Monthly Archives: December 2022

reputation, tactics

When they gossip about you, with malice

You discover that others are talking about you — and you don’t like what they’re saying!

            One of your closest friends tells you, “They’re saying the only reason you’re helping at the charity is to impress people.” Who are “they”? People who apparently know you.

            At work, word goes around that you and Chris are in a romantic relationship. Yes, the two of you work together, but what they’re saying is absurd, and offensive.

            One of your neighbours asks what seems like an innocent question about your family. It suggests people are making assumptions. Has one of your family members been telling tales about you?

            The gossip is upsetting and is getting in the way of what you’re trying to do. You can’t get it out of your head. What can you do about it?

Reputations under attack

This is the fifth in a series of posts about dealing with unfair attacks on reputation. Since the 1970s, I’ve advised hundreds of people who contacted me about being defamed. Each case is different and the best option for one person may not work for someone else, so I will suggest several options for consideration. Other posts deal with false statements, derogatory labelling, guilt by association and online attacks.

Functions of gossip

You probably engage in gossiping yourself, so you know something about it. It’s a rare person who never says anything, or at least anything negative, about others behind their backs.

            Why do people spend so much time talking about others? Researchers argue that gossip is part of what helps group members coordinate their relationships. By sharing thoughts about others, people build bonds. In the right circumstances, gossip can help a group operate more efficiently.

            When you meet someone in one of your networks — neighbourhood, workplace, club or church — it’s useful to have a starting point, and it’s also useful to know something about them, so you don’t say the wrong thing. Gossip helps you learn something about them beforehand. It helps you interact with a wider circle of people without making a mess of it.

            There’s lots of research on gossip, carried out in different ways, looking at positive and negative aspects and examining different functions and impacts. But researchers seem to have little to say about how to resist harmful gossip. The most practical advice I found is on WikiHow.

Resisting malicious gossip

Although gossip has positive functions, it can also be nasty — exceedingly nasty. It can spread falsehoods, poison relationships, promote prejudice and even drive someone out for no good reason.

            If you think gossip is unfairly hurting your reputation, what can you do about it? Should you do anything about it? Consider these options.

Ignore

In many cases, it’s best to ignore gossip, whether it’s about you or others. You might listen and learn, including to find out who repeats stories. Does one of your friends quickly pass on every confidential comment, with a few creative embellishments? If so, be careful not to say anything to them you don’t want repeated.

Learn, and possibly change

Sometimes you can learn what others think about you. If there’s a grain of truth in the gossip, and you don’t like that truth, you may decide to change your behaviour. Maybe you should be kinder in your comments, or more explicit. Maybe you should be more open about your beliefs and intentions, or more cautious in revealing them.

Welcome

Maybe the gossip is benefiting your reputation. How? People who know you might be offended by nasty and unwarranted comments about you, and come to your defence. They might think less of the gossiper. The person trying to discredit you might actually be damaging their own reputation. Before you act, try to find out if this process is happening.

Defend

If everyone you know seems to have heard malicious gossip, you may choose to counter it. You could send an email to everyone, or just to a few individuals who you know will circulate it to others. Or you could print out a statement and put it in people’s mailboxes.

            What should you say? You could say that some people are making negative comments about you, and then deny them, or present correct information. Your statement needs to be carefully worded. It’s usually best not to name or blame anyone: “Unfortunately, there’s been some incorrect information about what I’ve been doing. Here’s what’s really happening.” The idea is to appear magnanimous rather than distressed or vindictive.

            An even better option is to find someone who will speak on your behalf, preferably someone with credibility. They can make a statement in defence. Alternatively, and usually more effectively, they can provide some news about you and what you’ve been doing. It’s positive news. It doesn’t mention the nasty gossip but counters it implicitly.

Counterattack

You can fight gossip with counter-gossip. You can try to start nasty rumours about the person or group you think are spreading comments about you.

            This is a risky sort of response, because it might lead to an escalation of rumour-mongering. As well, you might gain a reputation as a malicious gossiper!

            A safer approach is humour. You could make jokes about the gossip, or about yourself, that are obviously absurd. “Did you hear the story of how I climbed up the side of a building just to show off?” Be careful, though, because even apparently absurd stories can sometimes be taken seriously, or used against you.

Praise your enemy

Counter-intuitively, you can try saying nice things about the people spreading hostile gossip about you. This might confuse them or make them rethink. You might be able to start a virtuous cycle of positive comments.

Confront

Years ago, I attended an all-day workshop on “Dealing with difficult people.” Our presenter was experienced and wise. Someone asked her about malicious gossip. She told about a bold technique. She identified the source of the gossip and said to them, “Someone said you are spreading stories about me. Is that true?” The person denied spreading stories, but there weren’t any more after that.

Take legal action

You could threaten to sue for defamation. You could pay a lawyer to write a letter threatening legal action and demanding the person cease and desist.

            Threats to sue are only credible if you have strong evidence of people gossiping about you, for example tape recordings. Threats might work against some people, but they might also lead to more hostile gossiping. Worst of all, threats poison the atmosphere. You might end up with a worse reputation than before.

Mobbing

“Mobbing” is collective bullying. In the workplace, it involves an organised attack on a target, which can include ostracism, petty harassment, onerous work demands, denunciations, referral to psychiatrists — and malicious gossip. If you are the target of mobbing, gossip is just one worry among many. You need to work out a plan to resist. Often, unfortunately, it is better to leave. Your health and wellbeing are more important than any job.

Conclusion

Gossip can be harmless. It can be functional, allowing people to share feelings about others. However, some gossip is misinformed and deliberately harmful. There are so many variations and possibilities that there’s no single best response to gossip that you think is harming your reputation.

            Consider your options, including doing nothing. It might be that by behaving in an honourable and supportive way, you counter gossip through your actions, without saying anything. But sometimes this isn’t effective. Others may be trying to damage your reputation, and are afraid to say anything openly, and will persist. Before taking action, try to find one or two people you trust, and discuss options with them.

            Try to be generous in whatever you do — even if you don’t feel generous! The way you respond to gossip may well form the basis for future gossip.

Brian Martin
bmartin@uow.edu.au

Thanks to Paula Arvela, Jungmin Choi, Caroline Colton, Kelly Gates, Julia LeMonde and Qinqing Xu for helpful comments.

Incidentally, most of the images about gossip I found show women as the gossipers, to other women or sometimes men, and hardly any showing men whispering to women.

reputation, tactics

When they link you to something bad

When you are subject to “guilt by association,” what can you do?

In the early 1980s in Western countries around the world, there was a massive citizen mobilisation against nuclear war. Critics — defenders of Western military strength, including nuclear weapons — attacked the movement by claiming it was a tool of the Soviet Union, and that Communists were involved. These critics used the tactic of “guilt by association”: if Communists supported the movement, or were in the movement, this discredited the entire movement.

            Repressive governments use the same technique. They claim that opponents are funded by the CIA or are tools of other foreign powers.

            Guilt by association can also be used to discredit individuals. In the 1960s and 1970s, the leading US critic of fluoridation was Dr George Waldbott, a doctor and researcher, author of numerous publications. The American Dental Association compiled a dossier titled “Comments on the opponents of fluoridation” listing various individuals with far-out ideas, reactionary groups like the Ku Klux Klan — and a few scientists, including Waldbott, with damaging statements about him.

This dossier was circulated for years whenever Waldbott gave talks or testified to legislatures. It served to discredit him by associating him with crackpots and political fanatics. (See Scientific Knowledge in Controversy, and search for “dossier”.)

Reputations under attack

This is the third in a series of posts about dealing with unfair attacks on reputation. Since the 1970s, I’ve advised hundreds of people who contacted me about being defamed. Each case is different and the best option for one person may not work for someone else, so I will suggest several options for consideration. Other posts deal with false statements, derogatory labelling, malicious gossip and online attacks.

Guilt?

“Guilt by association” refers to a process by which the reputation of a person or group is hurt by being linked to a person, group, belief system or activity that is widely stigmatised. The word “guilt” is a bit misleading. The process might better be called “denigration by association” or “stigma by association.”

            This process is found in all sorts of circumstances. Some people will not buy or live in a house where a foul murder was committed. The house is tainted by association with the murder, and buyers don’t want to be tainted by association with the house. This connection might be called superstitious; it is founded on stigma by association. Another example: it is common for children of known criminals to be bullied at school. A moment’s thought should be enough to realise that the children are not responsible for the crimes of their parents.

Guilt by association is a powerful process because it operates without conscious deliberation. It is an automatic reaction and hence difficult to challenge.

            Guilt by association is an attack on reputation, and often quite an unfair one. It is not about some transgression or failing by you or your group, but rather just about your connection with someone or something that is negatively perceived. Logically, an association should be carefully probed to assess its significance. If left-wing or right-wing extremists support your cause, does it mean your cause is any less worthy? The onus of proof should be on those who make the attack but, alas, it’s usually the other way around. Those subject to a guilt-by-association attack need to figure out how to defend. There are several options.

Disown

The association may be so toxic that you want to distance yourself from the stigmatised linkage. Leaders of nonviolent movements might decide to condemn anyone or any group that uses violence, even those with the same aims.

            A guilt-by-association attack on a group can lead to internal strife. A political party might expel members with viewpoints hurting its reputation. The disowning option may come with a high cost.

Accept

Instead of disowning an association, a completely different approach is to accept it, even to welcome it. “Our group is open to anyone who shares our aims. We don’t discriminate.” Can you get away with this? It depends. The broader and stronger the group, the safer it is to use the acceptance option.

Counterattack

When criticised over your associations, you can counter by pointing to the critic’s unsavoury connections. If you’re linked to left-wing extremists, you can point to your critic’s links to right-wing extremists.

            This can be a potent response, especially when critics are obviously hypocritical. Nevertheless, there’s an important drawback in this response: it cements the use of guilt-by-association techniques.

Explain

You might try to explain why stigma from an association is not logical. You can say that just because you live next door to a convicted criminal doesn’t mean you’re less than honest. In fact, it might show your tolerance, generosity and forgiveness. Explanations are valuable when others listen and stop to think.

Ignore

Sometimes you can just ignore attempts to discredit you using guilt by association. Maybe you don’t care or maybe you realise that by defending against the implied allegations, you simply draw more attention to them.

Honour by association

A potent counter to stigma by association is to make connections with people or things that are highly valued. This is called reflected glory or honour by association. You didn’t do anything special but knowing a celebrity or brain surgeon gives you greater status.

            Honour by association is all around us. You might think you’re not susceptible to this process because, after all, it’s just an association and the positive spin-off is not sensible. Consider some examples.

  • Selfies taken with prestigious or good-looking people or locations.
  • Name-dropping: mentioning famous or accomplished people you’ve known, met or even just seen. The opposite is name-withholding: you don’t mention low-status individuals you’ve known.
  • In academic work, citing well-known intellectuals, but not obscure ones.
  • Having prestigious figures as patrons for your organisation.
  • Having high-status individuals as referees for job applications rather than lower-status individuals who know you better.
  • Barracking for a sporting team that is doing well, but dropping away when they’re not.
  • Choosing to live in a high-status suburb.
  • Attending a prestigious university rather than an equally good but lower status one.
  • Entering a respected occupation (doctor, lawyer).
  • Attending talks by famous people (rather than equally informative talks by others).
  • Owning a nice house, car, watch, clothes, etc., and making sure others see your possessions.
  • Being seen with good-looking or popular people.

These examples suggest the powerful role of honour by association in the way societies operate, especially ones driven by materialism, in which striving for status through possessions and titles, for getting ahead, takes precedence over the quest for a virtuous life. Honour by association is important in politics: politicians acquire status mainly through their positions, not their achievements. Indeed, being prominent is often thought of as an achievement itself, as in the case of celebrities who are famous for being well known.

            Although honour by association is often an unconscious process and used to serve dubious purposes, there is nothing wrong with using it for worthwhile goals. Consider the circumstances of people with intellectual disabilities, who are often shunned and looked down upon. Wolf Wolfensberger developed an approach called social role valorisation, or SRV, to enhance the lives of people with disabilities.


Wolf Wolfensberger

Part of SRV is promoting positive images through enhanced competencies and favourable associations. Honour by association comes from being well dressed in the company of valued individuals, living in a nice neighbourhood (and not next to a cemetery or waste dump), and having a respected job.

Implications

When your reputation is threatened by a guilt-by-association technique, you have a variety of options. Rather than responding quickly and emotionally, it’s worth choosing the option that serves your purposes most effectively. It might be tempting to respond to an attack with outrage, or to counterattack, but maybe remaining silent or calmly pointing out the lack of logic might be better.

            You can also use the technique of honour by association to enhance your reputation. And you can use this technique to help others. Assuming you and your group are respected, you can make a difference by aligning yourselves with others who are stigmatised. When it comes to the reputation game, we can all make a difference.

Brian Martin
bmartin@uow.edu.au

Thanks to Tonya Agostini, John Armstrong and Anneleis Humphries for useful comments.

activism, reputation, tactics

When they call you a bad name – and hurt their cause

Sometimes using derogatory labels can be counterproductive.

My recent post “When they call you a bad name” suggested options for responding to demeaning labels, for example when someone calls you a fascist. By chance, a friend told me about her recent experience being part of a group targeted with abuse, and how this affected her. A key insight is that calling someone else a bad name can be bad for your cause.

            Here is her short account of her experience. Afterwards, I offer a few comments.

“This scum needs to be removed from our streets”: How to create enemies, by Claudia Carson-Clarke

            I have been involved in the human rights and peace movement for over 25 years. In my younger days I was involved in the usual peace and equality movement student politics, including attending peace protests against the Iraq war, and the fallout from the so-called War on Terror.

            Over the years I have watched the peace movement slowly falling to pieces, bit by bit. I am not surprised given the lack of strategic thinking and my recent experiences.

            On Saturday 3 December, I attended a lecture in Sydney by Dr Jordan Peterson.

            There was a stark police presence at the event, including mounted police and rows of police guarding the entrances. I had to go through a metal detector and bag check upon entry. I was prepared for this level of security.

            What I wasn’t prepared for was abuse hurled at me for simply wanting to attend this lecture.

            A small group of protestors had assembled at the main entrance to vilify anyone entering the lecture. Here was a group of people yelling at me, calling me a fascist, Nazi, racist, bigot. They were intimidating, just like the police.

            The protestors need to ask themselves, “What are we trying to achieve?” Listening to the live-stream from the safety of the building, I heard several citizen journalists ask people walking by what they thought of the protests. Every person said they didn’t even know what the protesters were talking about because they were simply shouting into the loudspeaker and they couldn’t understand what they were talking about. The people walking by simply wanted to get to their dinner or Christmas party events.

            One of the more disturbing elements was the violent rhetoric coming from the protestors, including calling attendees “scum” who needed to be “removed” from the streets.

            What were the protests trying to achieve by calling the young men who attended “incels” and misogynists, other than creating a political enemy? Did those protesting consider having a discussion with some of the young men about why they were attending and about their views about women?

            I did, and I found them to be thoughtful, courteous and curious minds. These young men found hope and purpose in the words of Dr Peterson. They wanted to clean their rooms as one of their rules for life.

            At the end of the day, the only people spewing violent rhetoric and hate were the protestors. Dr Peterson’s lecture was about meaning-making in life, and the importance of love. He discussed the psychology of play and the development of relationships as core to life and psychological development. Most importantly, he offered a stark warning of the road we are taking in relation to war, noting that we are much more technologically powerful than they were in the era of Hitler and Stalin. The core message was that of peace.

            Perhaps if the protestors had gone inside and listened to Dr Peterson, rather than denigrating him and everyone who went inside to listen, they would have developed their understanding. The protestors created their own enemies and ensured that those that attended felt intimidated and denigrated. To indiscriminatingly apply the label “fascist” to groups of people, some of them long involved in the peace movement, is just appalling.

            This is just a tragedy, not only for the peace and equality movement, but also for society in general. The protests only served to create more division and hatred. Clearly the strategy needs to change if the movement wishes to engage more people.

A few further thoughts from Brian

Claudia’s story is instructive. Shouting at people can be a bad idea, at least in terms of winning them over. So can trying to censor a speaker, especially a popular one. It might be better to try to understand why the speaker is popular and address the factors that make this possible.

            I have not read Jordan Peterson’s books nor listened to his talks, but I do know he has become a symbol of values detested by some of those on the left. That’s fine. But if someone is a symbol of values you detest, is vilification the best way to counter those values and promote your own? Would it be better to ignore Peterson’s talks, or organise a public meeting promoting your preferred values, or give leaflets to Peterson-talk attendees beforehand or afterwards, or interview them afterwards to learn about their experiences, or even attend his talk to better understand his appeal?

            To ask such questions is to begin the process of thinking strategically about protest. This includes formulating goals, considering the other side’s argument and taking into account how your actions will affect others. It includes considering the implicit, perhaps unintended, messages being sent by the protest and the way it is delivered.

            The anti-Peterson protesters can be understood as acting expressively, letting out their own emotions, anger and disgust in this case, and directing them at Peterson and those attending his talk. Protesting, it might be presumed, makes them feel better about themselves, by displaying their values and showing their fellow protesters their commitment to the cause. This can help build solidarity within their own groups and networks, but in this case it had a counterproductive effect on Claudia, and possibly on others who were subject to their verbal abuse.

            One lesson: calling someone a nasty name might make you feel righteous, but it might also make them think less of you — and your cause.

Brian Martin
bmartin@uow.edu.au

Thanks to Claudia for her text and additional information about the talk and protest. Thanks to Paula Arvela, Sharon Callaghan, Suzzanne Gray and Julia LeMonde for helpful suggestions. Several photos are taken from a video by @Chriscoveries.